The Four Agreements

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The four agreements first came into my life after my dad died. I had six sessions with a counsellor. My mum and brother had been particularly unkind to me because I hadn’t given up my job to take my mum to hospital when dad was in hospital.

I lived 12 hours, round trip away and before I got my job, I would spend one week south at  mum’s and one week north at my new home. Nonetheless the poison was laid at my door and it was toxic.

It continued, the toxicity, a year after my dad died my mum and a severe mental brscreen-shot-2017-02-27-at-10-15-10eakdown and I was the only one dealing with it. However lots of people were full of ‘you should’ and ‘why haven’t you’, without knowing what I was doing already, single-handed unaided. Abandoned completely by my younger brother (although I kept him in the loop with all emails) and dictated, bullied and abused by my elder brother.screen-shot-2017-02-27-at-10-15-41

Living the Four Agreements: A life changing Journey

At the time they seemed beyond me! However more and more these days I hear them whispering to me, just at the back of my head.  Lets see if they touch you…

  1. Be impeccable with word
  2. Do not take things personallyscreen-shot-2017-02-27-at-10-15-24
  3. Don’t make assumptions
  4. Always do your best

 

 

 

 

Mental-Pause aka menopause

What I didn’t know or couldn’t have known 2 years ago is that something rather than a feeling of being ‘over-whelmed’ and ‘out of control’ was happening to me. I didn’t know what was wrong, I just couldn’t handle things any more. Screen Shot 2017-03-12 at 20.47.34.png

Work became too much for me mentally. Things which wouldn’t and didn’t affect me before did. The smallest thing would set me off balance. I went to my doctor and he thought it was a combination of the death of my dad, looking after my mum and not having time to grieve for myself and probably a few other things all catching up with me.

I got signed off work. Little did I know that 6 months later I would have resigned from work, having never returned. Being diagnosed as peri-menopausal and going onto HRT. Even then I didn’t realise that the symptoms I was displaying were and are due, in a VERY large part to the menopause, or as I call it the Mental-Pause.

For example one of my reoccuring symptoms was waking up and feeling optimistic. What a great life I had and today was going to be a great day. Then a few seconds later I would have an over whelming desire to cry, to burst into tears, to feel completely over whelmed, that life was too much and there was no point in going on!

I remember reading the following helpful document from the TUC about helping women through menopause and taking it to a meeting with my boss at High Life Highland. A definite reaching out for help, a Cry! Yet at the same time not really and truly identifying ‘these women’ as ‘me’. I wouldn’t loose or leave my job due to the menopause.

So while I was diagnosed as menopausal, in my head this was an aside and the reason/s I was off work were due to something else...yet to be diagnosed!

Common symptoms of the Mental-Pause? Click Here “There are many symptoms associated with the menopause, mainly caused by changes in the levels of oestrogen in the body.

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  • Anxiety
  • Changes to skin and hair
  • Depression
  • Disrupted sleep
  • Dry vagina
  • Fatigue
  • Headaches
  • Hot flushes and night sweats
  • Irregular periods
  • Irritability
  • Joint and muscle pain
  • Loss of interest in sex
  • Painful intercourse
  • Palpitations of the heart
  • Poor concentration
  • Poor memory
  • Urinary problems

At the time I remember anxiety and worry about things which wouldn’t have affected me so strongly before. Depression and mood swings, e.g. optimism at the start of the day and 2 seconds later tears and despair! I had about 2 hot flushes before going to the doctor. Sex? Not a loss of interest but I turned rampant, very horny! Yes palpitations, part of the anxiety, lack of concentration or certainly the feeling that I wasn’t as sharp and couldn’t focus on things the way I used to. Yes, fatigue, my get up and go …went!!!! As did my confidence.

So what happened next?

New Goals

My new goals?

Well they haven’t changed that much to be sure… although they also have, perhaps a more rounded ‘healthy me’!

I have started writing a journal. Yes this website is sort of a journal but I downloaded two ‘jounaling prompts’ and I am using these every few days to journal.

30 day emotional eating journal from Live The whole. com

30 day emotional eating challenge from Christin Morgan

I think they popped up on Pintrest and I got sucked into reading them and since I have been reading so much and as well as meditation, journalling keeps popping up ,the time was right for me to get my pad and pen ready.  There is a wee bit of overlap, did they use the same template? Anyway I have grateful and they are providing an interesting insight!

Day 2 prompt: What do you want out of live?

Why have I never asked myself that before? Are we too busy treading water, trying to stay afloat that we never think to ask ourselves, What do I want?  What do you want, do you know?

What I wrote ” Health. Love. Fun. Respect. Sexual Intimacy. Financial Independence. Stimulating, engaging, Fun activities. Meaningful and loving relationships”.

What Do I Make Sure I get it?  What a great question…how do I? How do YOU?

Health – exercise, eat well, eat balanced meals with nutrients. Ensure I get vitamins, daylight, eat enough, not too much. Ensure adequate rest.

Love – be loving in order to receive and be worthy of receiving love.

Fun – do things I enjoy. See things and do things In everyday life that give me pleasure.

Respect – be respectful to others, then there is no reason for them not to respect you. If they do, then the fault does not lie with me.

Sexual Intimacy – engage in sexual intimacy, initiate, encourage, tempt, please and be pleased.

Financial Independence – invest time and effort into the business to make it the best I can make it. Then allow others to do the tasks to give me the freedom to do more of the pleasurable activities.

Stimulating Engaging, Fun Activities – Seek out new and current activities which give me the stimulation I enjoy, with other people. If they prove not to be fun, then move onto other things.

Meaningful and Lovely Relationships – spend time with people who I treasure and who mean the world to me. Value those I love and enjoy being around. Make time for them.

Quite a bit different from the last goals of two years previously and yet not… as Day 4 prompt was: This year I most want to… and I will achieve this by…

This year I want most to be 57kg again and walk the PCT. I will achieve this by walking sensible each day, listening to my body and feet and sticking to my healthy eating plan.

My mind map goals for 2017 are below… the steps and the sit-ups etc are still there but hopefully a more rounded picture?

goals2017

 

 

My original goals 2 years ago!

10000 x 4 times per week
21 miles per week
Press and Sit-ups x 4 per week

Kettle bell twists in house x 4 per week
March x5
April x 10
May x 15
June x 20
July x 25
Aug x 30

10K < 50 minutes August

57kg by 1st of August 2015

1st of April 61kg -1st of May 60kg – 1st of June 59kg – 1st of July 58kg – 1st of August 57kg

1st of Sept 57kg – 1st of Oct 57kg – 1st of Nov 57kg – 1st of Dec 57kg

Get that six-pack photo

This is the shot I want of my Tummy, my Abs, although it will never be my Boobs, but 2 out of 3 aint bad!!!

This is the shot I want of my Tummy, my Abs, although it will never be my Boobs, but 2 out of 3 aint bad!!!

2 years later

Hi World! Over two years since I last blogged and what a two years!

I left my job as the Leisure Facilites Manager, pretty much lost my marbles and didn’t know what was going on!

I was completely and utterly overwhelmed but didn’t know why!

I went to the doctor and after lots of chat and consulations and one test last I was diagnosed as perimenopausal.  Simple means pre-menopause. Now of course I wasn’t aware of this as I have been on contraceptives for over 20+ years which prevented menstration (yes I know it was marvellous), thus for me there were no signs or symptoms.

I remember the year before going to the female doctor of the practice and her mentioning that for both us us, menopause was something that would be on the cards soon. I remember thinking what! You must be mistaken!!!!

Ok diagnosis in hand but that didn’t explain all my symptoms to me and what about HRT?

I had no qualms. There is no history of breast cancer in the family, I don’t smoke, I don’t drink, I am fit and exercise regularly. I started taking HRT.

Second attempt with scales

 Tuesday I managed also. It’s simply that the vivosmart was on charge and not I my wrist for my run.   

Weight? Well I ate a cadburys chocolate Easter egg large, Cadburys Creme egg small and 200g bar of Cadburys in one sitting. Notice the 64.-something peak? That was Sunday morning. 

Why? Strong strong craving! Not stress. Just that they were in the house and they were calling me. And I didn’t have the sense to say know and distract myself 😦 I hope the scales the next day. Sunday have been my wake up call.  I sent back the Withings Body Analyzer, problems with the Wifi connection to the iPhone 6 and immediately ordered the Withings Scales.  Not sure the connectivity problem is fixed but I like the way, when it ‘does’ receives my weight, it generates another dot on my graph and either congratulates me or otherwise.

It has been for a few weeks of an ‘or otherwise’ review the scales have given me.

Sugar addiction, craving of chocolate and letting stress get to me. That seems to be the problem. Easter weekend coming up and that could mean a lot of chocolate. So I have to make the choice and choose to eat within moderation. Also exercise more if I am going to be eating more calories. Seems simple enough, with my rational head on.   If you want it bad enough, you make it happen!

Managed 10000 steps the last three days. A combination of running 4 miles each morning on the Dreadmill. Now when I say Dreadmill that isn’t really fair, without the Dreadmill, I would get no run as the weather here, despite it being spring, is wild.  Windy, Wester Ross Winds = nothing in-between me and Canada and rain, hail, sleet and snow.

My job is purely sedentary. I sit at a desk all day, no where else to go and as there is no one else to talk to and usually too much to do, I scoff down my lunch and then keep working through.  So I have been trying to make up the other approximately 2 miles of steps to reach the ‘goal’ fireworks on the Vivosmart.

Let’s see if I get a ‘scale reward’ tomorrow morning

The New Scales

The new Withings Body Analyzer scales have arrived. Spent a fortune on them in the hope that they will give me the extra push I need. They automatically update your weight from the scales to your iPhone and link to myfitnesspal too. The weight is still high, didn’t exercise today too much to do and too much stress. Tomorrow I will run before work.

Took my lunch and dinner to work today as I knew I would be there late. Was so depressed I ate lunch and dinner at lunchtime…heard that before. Had my afternoon snack, Pink Lady Apple and now I am home and not hungry, which does really surprise me!

withings scales

Was pretty disgusted with the belly in the mirror this morning.

Need to find my focus.